This must be a ‘mid-midlife’ crisis. From other's perspectives I went through a midlife crisis a few years ago. Nope. That was certainly a crisis. That was me running for my life. Seem dramatic? You weren’t there. Not a midlife crisis. Fleeing from physical danger to safety is an intrinsically different predicament. This, however. This. Yowza. It’s like every person that comes into my life is holding a key that unlocks trauma. It’s as if my mind is searching for reasons to pu

Oh the layers of nonsensical thinking to go through. This photo (taken by kid #3 on a recent family trip) is now my desktop photo on my laptop. I love it. If I could float in the warm, calm ocean for the rest of my life it would be heaven. Here's the deal though. Even saying that brings up feelings of inadequacy for me which is maddening. It's a dream. A human cannot float on the ocean for the rest of their life. It's completely and totally impractical and has no bearing on r

To say the Netflix comedy special "Nanette" affected me would be an understatement. Wow. Wow. Wow. Please watch it if you haven't. If you're a friend and local and need a Netflix account, come over. This is worth seeing again. And again. Trauma is insidious. The way it holds us. The story it paints. I am incredibly privileged to have had resources that have allowed me to work my focus through the decades of trauma. That have allowed me the space and safety to face and then mo

My partner held me last night as PTSD racked my body. I awoke in the middle of the night sobbing. There were no thoughts. No remembered nightmares. Just sobbing. Sobbing and fear, loneliness, rejection, pain. While they held me they whispered, "It's okay. You are safe." As I held back the screams that attempted to escape my body for fear of waking and scaring my children I thought, "I am not okay. This is not okay. I am never safe." All the while knowing they were right. I wa

If one of the main points of your speech is adaptability you'd better be adaptable. I was invited by Safe Harbor Crisis Center and Clearfield High School to speak at their Falcons are Fabulous fundraising rally this morning. I am in awe of how much these students were able to raise for Safe Harbor (almost $50,000) and the sacrifices some of the students made today. It was a spirited event! Attached you will find a partial (almost complete) video of my condensed speech. I prep

My friend says my paintings scare her. My response: "How do you think they make me feel? I live with this." *TRIGGER WARNING. Sexual Assault, Rape, Domestic Violence, PTSD. ** I've deleted and rewritten this post several times. In my head and physically. There really are no words to eloquently express how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. A string of expletives, while closer, would still be lacking. Hence, the paintings. Even they aren't enough. I've seen many depictions of

There's a line from the movie Shrek that has stuck with me from my first viewing. Probably because everyone quoted it over and over. "Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers." I agree with Shrek's self observation, and Donkey's reaction: "You know, not everybody likes onions." While I have never enjoyed thinking of myself as an onion, that was an eye opener for me. Humans are not one dimensional. We have this weird desire to classify e