I don’t know how to help the people in my life understand the depth to which food is tied to trauma for me. So I'm writing about it. Trauma can regulate how, when, where, how much or even if I eat at all. I have many times gone extended days of not eating. It is a trauma/neurodivergent response. I've written about it before. Lifelong. I cannot stop it. I am learning to work with it and modify what can be modified. I have improvised and learned tricks and hacks over the years.

This must be a ‘mid-midlife’ crisis. From other's perspectives I went through a midlife crisis a few years ago. Nope. That was certainly a crisis. That was me running for my life. Seem dramatic? You weren’t there. Not a midlife crisis. Fleeing from physical danger to safety is an intrinsically different predicament. This, however. This. Yowza. It’s like every person that comes into my life is holding a key that unlocks trauma. It’s as if my mind is searching for reasons to pu

I got a son and I want him to grow up in a world that looks very different than it looks today. ~ Justin Baldoni As a mother of boys that will become men I seek out positive, healthy, human, vulnerable role models for my sons. I am inspired by many men in my life who are doing the heavy work of facing and moving through trauma and unhealthy behavioral and thinking patterns, and also men I see out in the world actively engaged in creating healthier futures for all of us. If we

Oh the layers of nonsensical thinking to go through. This photo (taken by kid #3 on a recent family trip) is now my desktop photo on my laptop. I love it. If I could float in the warm, calm ocean for the rest of my life it would be heaven. Here's the deal though. Even saying that brings up feelings of inadequacy for me which is maddening. It's a dream. A human cannot float on the ocean for the rest of their life. It's completely and totally impractical and has no bearing on r

To say the Netflix comedy special "Nanette" affected me would be an understatement. Wow. Wow. Wow. Please watch it if you haven't. If you're a friend and local and need a Netflix account, come over. This is worth seeing again. And again. Trauma is insidious. The way it holds us. The story it paints. I am incredibly privileged to have had resources that have allowed me to work my focus through the decades of trauma. That have allowed me the space and safety to face and then mo

My partner held me last night as PTSD racked my body. I awoke in the middle of the night sobbing. There were no thoughts. No remembered nightmares. Just sobbing. Sobbing and fear, loneliness, rejection, pain. While they held me they whispered, "It's okay. You are safe." As I held back the screams that attempted to escape my body for fear of waking and scaring my children I thought, "I am not okay. This is not okay. I am never safe." All the while knowing they were right. I wa

Becoming the Hero, Written Series I remember my doodles from childhood and wish beyond almost anything that I still had some of them. My art wasn't nurtured and I ended up ashamed of it. For several decades I longed to try again yet lacked the courage. Thankfully, that changed. While my visual art is where I am most raw, I cannot always live in that space. If you know me, you know I was also born with the gift of gab. I'm not shy with my opinions or ideas. My thirst for knowl

My friend says my paintings scare her. My response: "How do you think they make me feel? I live with this." *TRIGGER WARNING. Sexual Assault, Rape, Domestic Violence, PTSD. ** I've deleted and rewritten this post several times. In my head and physically. There really are no words to eloquently express how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. A string of expletives, while closer, would still be lacking. Hence, the paintings. Even they aren't enough. I've seen many depictions of

There's a line from the movie Shrek that has stuck with me from my first viewing. Probably because everyone quoted it over and over. "Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers." I agree with Shrek's self observation, and Donkey's reaction: "You know, not everybody likes onions." While I have never enjoyed thinking of myself as an onion, that was an eye opener for me. Humans are not one dimensional. We have this weird desire to classify e

"If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle with others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself." Nikita Gill I spent at least a solid year alone on the shore before even touching my toe to the water. Waded in but kept close enough to the shore that my feet still touched the ground and I could escape at a moment's notice. Playing in the waves and learning their ebb and flow. My head going under only when I chose for it to do so. Wat

"You need to grow thicker skin." Oh, the amount of times I've heard that. It's just about the most insensitive, yet necessary, advice out there. I don't take issue with the message, at least not the way I've come to incorporate it in my life. It's vital to survival in this world. The delivery is usually done harshly and without validating what the other person is going through emotionally. Asking someone to deny or hide what they are experiencing can be harmful and demoralizi