Updated: Jun 3
My partner held me last night as PTSD racked my body. I awoke in the middle of the night sobbing. There were no thoughts. No remembered nightmares. Just sobbing. Sobbing and fear, loneliness, rejection, pain. While they held me they whispered, "It's okay. You are safe." As I held back the screams that attempted to escape my body for fear of waking and scaring my children I thought, "I am not okay. This is not okay. I am never safe." All the while knowing they were right. I was okay. It was okay to have the reaction I was having. I was, in fact, safe.
This is the duality of life that some trauma survivors live. Knowing in every moment that you are both okay and not. That you will never fully be okay and somehow you will be. That the trauma that happened and the fallout will never be okay while also understanding that emotions and bodily reactions of the present moment are expected and typical. They are okay. They are valid. That there is not a moment of your life where you are completely safe from harm though you are currently safe from imminent physical danger.
It's an uncomfortable reality to live. It's the reality we navigate.